Encek Gadis

Dear you, My life had turns upside down. I'm not the girl who deserve you. I'm full of flaws. How I wish I could tell you how I feel, how hard it is to bear everything alone. To fall for you without a reason. Only if I know the reason behind it, so I could erase and destroy them. It's been eleventh years since we met for the first time and  almost 5 years I'm having this thought on you. It's wrong I know. I begged to HIM for a help. I just want to clear my mind. Frankly I don't solely believe in love or relationship. I'm looking for a friend and a companion. Who I can talk with beyond the topic of marriage or love. I've been living alone for more than 4 years right now. I'm used to do things on my own. But sometimes when my mind get wild with thoughts I wish I have someone to talk to. Talking about such random things. I love to learn as I know how hard it is to be ignorant. To left behind. I've been working hard so I could stand on my own. Ma...

Saat mereka mula bicara tentang percaya, saat mereka katakan tentang angan, saat mereka bentangkan masa depan ;       aku sudah lama hanyut dengan selainnya. Tanpa percaya, angan dan masa depan,       yang ada cuma hari dan waktu berlalu,       ruang kotak batu dan kebuntuan. Pada mungkin waktu mereka berhenti dari bicara semuanya;       aku sudah lama pekak, bisu dan lupa Tentang apa atau sesiapa.

This is the journey of my life. One day the storm will stop. Everything will past. I'll be okay, right? The sweetness of life will appear along the hardships. One day, I'll move forward and forget everything that hurts. One day, I'll be where I wish for so long and all this pain will gone. I'll go to Japan, fullfill my dreams and forgetting you. One day, I'll admit that this feelings was wrong, and such a mistake. I'll get my feet on the ground and accept the reality. I'll walk away from memories, enjoying the moment I live. I'm sorry for being ridiculous. I've been so wrong all this while. I'll be gone. I'll be okay. Yes I do. Even if that makes me living not ordinary and normal life. Even if that makes me be alone till the times end. Even if that makes me be the worthless for everyone. I'll be okay as long as I could find my self and be the one I want to. I want to be free. It's me who take things w...

I'm trying to recall my sweet past. Where at my worst I still could go out and alive. When I care for less. When I get hype with my day. When I don't feel hurts being hurting. When I could take things for granted. When alone is not lonely. I miss that whole night conversation, I miss the moment when I know where to run  who should I return to. I miss to be strong without this soaked eyes. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm fainted. 

I'm a suicidal.

Ada waktunya yang paling di mahu adalah menyerah. Berjuangan sendirian ini adalah rasa yang terpaling celaka. Percaya dan denial adalah bisik-bisik yang ada waktunya meluka dengan lebih dalam. Membunuh hancur. Namun, pilihan yang ada adalah tiada, Terus bertongkat paruh. Jatuh berkali kali bangun kembali. Demi mereka yang dipunya. hanya itu untuk itu kerana itu.

Orang cakap untunglah kerja kerajaan, untunglah jadi cikgu gaji banyak, banyak cuti, masa kerja singkat. Banyak kemudahan. Kerja senang dapat, belajar tak payah bayar hutang. Untunglah... Untunglah...dunia dapat akhirat dapat. Yang tak dinampak kerana tanggungjawab yang tergantung di kedua bahu ini. Kerana antara amanah negara dan tanggungjawab keluarga. Kerana semuanya ini, aku bukan aku lagi yang sama. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety since the day they cakap untunglah.... It is not aku tak bersyukur dengan rezeki. Aku tahu berapa ramai lagi yang nak ada dekat tempat aku ada sekarang. Ramai lagi yang menganggur. Ramai lagi yang punya sijil gantung sahaja. Aku tahu. It's not about others. It's all about me. My past my present my future. How it was like. Aku bukan aku. Bukan untuk aku. How I fight the battle, how I struggle alone, crawling on my bed, soaked my pillow. Screaming out loud and hold my hand onto my mouth. Insomniac nights that drained me...

People will easily come to conclusion and labelled me as arrogant, egoistic, narcissistic and so on. Because the one that they judge is my appearance, how I react to them as how they approach me. My past makes me how I am today. I'm having all my guts around as life had dragged me down too far in the pitfall. I've been mentally bullied since I was 7 years old, which makes me struggling with all the emotion imbalance for 20 years now. And how do you expect from someone who raising up with the believe that she is not good enough, she is worst, she is incapable, and having mentally tortured for ages can be so capable to be 'NORMAL' as what you define it is. I don't have to explain how I live my life as I've no intention to know yours. In life, the most important part is respect. Respect how others choose to live. Could you imagine you are send to place that far from those you know, In the place that new and strange to you, alone and you have to struggle aga...

When you get older you became more particular and precise about your self, your act, your do & dont's, your preference and almost about everything around you. It's about how you arrange your food in the plate. what you choose to eat first. how you eat your chicken drumstick and wings. How your coffee should taste. What kind of shirt that you will match with your jeans, what kind of scarf to buy. What kind of movie you will watch, what kind of books that makes you fly to the high. How many pillow you need to sleep, how thick your comforter should be. Where do you put your things. How mess is the real misery. How much money to waste is a wastage. You should give yourself a time to know you better. To put things how you like it be. So that when you with other you won't dissolve. How precious yourself, are not to be neglected and take for granted. Don't let stranger think they knew you better. You is yours.

Sebanyak mana pada gusar hilang. Sebanyak yang sama pada percaya. Yang sedikit itu, limitasi yang tidak terlalu berat bukan? Setenang mana juga yang dilihat pada riak. Tidak setenang dasarnya jiwa. Kita percaya lalu kecewa. Kita percaya lalu tiada. Kita menanti lalu pergi. Kita menanti lalu sendiri. Masa, waktu, saat beri momen momen yang ada tikanya esok hari adalah yang paling menakutkan. Wasangka meraja, getar tak terasa sekejap detiknya. Manusia, dan alami sifatnya tidak abadi. Dan akhirnya dari awal sedari tadi, untuk apa mulanya, sedangnya hingga akhir. Untuk bagaimana? Ketahuilah dengan paling jelas. Besi ini bisa lebur. dinding ini rapuh. Cuma buih dibawak ombak besar nyata terus hilang bertemu pantai. Lalu lenyap kembali yang abadi.

Kita selalu nak orang faham apa kita rasa. Kita selalu kecewa bila expectation kita terhadap orang atau orang terhadap kita tersasar jauh. Kita dan orang. Buka ke kita adalah tentang saya, aku, ana, watashi, na, me? Gelar yang banyak menunjukkan satu. Sedar tak sedar dah masuk tahun ke empat aku hidup sendiri. Sendiri yang dua kali seminggu baru pulang ke rumah ibu ayah untuk dua hari. Kadang mahu sampai tiga minggu. Begitu ulang alik. Yang selalunya sendiri. Tidak bercakap dua tiga hari. Itu normal Sendiri yang jatuh bangun, sendiri. Dan Terpaling penting adalah tentang bagaimana menjadi aku, saya, ana, watashi, na, me tanpa memikirkan engkau mereka dia atau sesiapa. Ternyata... ternyata hidup ini bukan hal yang mudah. Tanya pada bantal basah apa rasanya untuk lecun setiap hari. Tanya pada dinding buta apa wajah pudarnya waktu. Tanya pada malam gelap apa riuhnya esak bisu. Kerana itu... Yang selalu kita itu, Hampir saja menyerah segalanya. Melepas tubuh pada lautan da...

... yang tinggal lembaran kosong.

I've been in the dark for so long. There's sometimes when I think that I couldn't see the light anymore. Everything was so hard. I was tired. I don't feel like to find the way out anymore. Somehow I was calm in the dark. I used to it and I don't want to go anywhere. I just want be there. So that nobody know who I am and how I am doing. I don't want to be sympathised. I don't want feel like I'm begging for attention. I want to be on my own. To fall to drown or to get back and fight. But there's sometimes, it hit me. The feeling of needing someone be here beside me, listen to me and said everything gonna be okay. That's when I feel so tired. I'm just damn tired.... but then ;           semicolon. Hanging in there I need to keep running. I need to go through this road. I still got few precious people in my life who wait for me. People that need to be taken care off. What ever it is. semicolon. hanging in there. Even if I...

Not able to express the feelings. there's no word that can explained. how everything goes and what it does. cried on my bed let my silence night loud.

Why would you love someone who will never love you back? Why would like someone who can't even look at you. Why would you hurt yourself?

I'm not strong I'm not good enough. I've fear on so much thing. My heart aches. I'm scared, I'm worried. I'm tired. Exhausted.

My heart aches. hurt.

I couldn't sleep at night. Thinking about when the time will come. So I'll stop worrying. When I could waiting the next day while enjoying the moment. When I can tell I'm okay and don't fake it. When will I say everything truthfully. So I don't have to hide anything. When will I laugh because I'm happy. And crying whenever I want to. I wish the time will come, so I will stop waiting for the night, I don't have to hug my self in my blanket and let my pillow soaked. I wish the time will come, when I could say that finally the storm had gone, the hardship will finally paid off. But I couldn't lie that I'm affraid storm make me drown. the time will stop and the end is now.

I try to keep everything inside so i won't be burden to anyone. I'll cry when someone told me to keep fighting and be strong. Because I make them worry. I'm glad that they care but I don't know for how long i could survive. I know that I'm not that strong or good to fight. I'm sorry for everyone in my life that being neglected. I'm sorry I can't be there for you the way I need you to be with me. Sometimes i keep my self distant, I don't feel that I deserve your care and sympathy because I can't give you the same. I love you all. But I can't be the best for myself so I'm worried that I'll be troublesome. I'm tired of being guilty. I'm not good enough. I'm tired. Tired.

Aku nak rehat. Pejam dan padamkan. He came yesterday. Bring smile and regret. When i need someone. In my subconscious. For a while. Told me that my hurtful reality is for real. And my dream is dissing me.