Encek Gadis

I've been in the dark for so long. There's sometimes when I think that I couldn't see the light anymore. Everything was so hard. I was tired. I don't feel like to find the way out anymore. Somehow I was calm in the dark. I used to it and I don't want to go anywhere. I just want be there. So that nobody know who I am and how I am doing. I don't want to be sympathised. I don't want feel like I'm begging for attention. I want to be on my own. To fall to drown or to get back and fight. But there's sometimes, it hit me. The feeling of needing someone be here beside me, listen to me and said everything gonna be okay. That's when I feel so tired. I'm just damn tired.... but then ;           semicolon. Hanging in there I need to keep running. I need to go through this road. I still got few precious people in my life who wait for me. People that need to be taken care off. What ever it is. semicolon. hanging in there. Even if I...

Not able to express the feelings. there's no word that can explained. how everything goes and what it does. cried on my bed let my silence night loud.

Why would you love someone who will never love you back? Why would like someone who can't even look at you. Why would you hurt yourself?

I'm not strong I'm not good enough. I've fear on so much thing. My heart aches. I'm scared, I'm worried. I'm tired. Exhausted.

My heart aches. hurt.

I couldn't sleep at night. Thinking about when the time will come. So I'll stop worrying. When I could waiting the next day while enjoying the moment. When I can tell I'm okay and don't fake it. When will I say everything truthfully. So I don't have to hide anything. When will I laugh because I'm happy. And crying whenever I want to. I wish the time will come, so I will stop waiting for the night, I don't have to hug my self in my blanket and let my pillow soaked. I wish the time will come, when I could say that finally the storm had gone, the hardship will finally paid off. But I couldn't lie that I'm affraid storm make me drown. the time will stop and the end is now.

I try to keep everything inside so i won't be burden to anyone. I'll cry when someone told me to keep fighting and be strong. Because I make them worry. I'm glad that they care but I don't know for how long i could survive. I know that I'm not that strong or good to fight. I'm sorry for everyone in my life that being neglected. I'm sorry I can't be there for you the way I need you to be with me. Sometimes i keep my self distant, I don't feel that I deserve your care and sympathy because I can't give you the same. I love you all. But I can't be the best for myself so I'm worried that I'll be troublesome. I'm tired of being guilty. I'm not good enough. I'm tired. Tired.