Encek Gadis

Ada waktunya yang paling di mahu adalah menyerah. Berjuangan sendirian ini adalah rasa yang terpaling celaka. Percaya dan denial adalah bisik-bisik yang ada waktunya meluka dengan lebih dalam. Membunuh hancur. Namun, pilihan yang ada adalah tiada, Terus bertongkat paruh. Jatuh berkali kali bangun kembali. Demi mereka yang dipunya. hanya itu untuk itu kerana itu.

Orang cakap untunglah kerja kerajaan, untunglah jadi cikgu gaji banyak, banyak cuti, masa kerja singkat. Banyak kemudahan. Kerja senang dapat, belajar tak payah bayar hutang. Untunglah... Untunglah...dunia dapat akhirat dapat. Yang tak dinampak kerana tanggungjawab yang tergantung di kedua bahu ini. Kerana antara amanah negara dan tanggungjawab keluarga. Kerana semuanya ini, aku bukan aku lagi yang sama. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety since the day they cakap untunglah.... It is not aku tak bersyukur dengan rezeki. Aku tahu berapa ramai lagi yang nak ada dekat tempat aku ada sekarang. Ramai lagi yang menganggur. Ramai lagi yang punya sijil gantung sahaja. Aku tahu. It's not about others. It's all about me. My past my present my future. How it was like. Aku bukan aku. Bukan untuk aku. How I fight the battle, how I struggle alone, crawling on my bed, soaked my pillow. Screaming out loud and hold my hand onto my mouth. Insomniac nights that drained me...

People will easily come to conclusion and labelled me as arrogant, egoistic, narcissistic and so on. Because the one that they judge is my appearance, how I react to them as how they approach me. My past makes me how I am today. I'm having all my guts around as life had dragged me down too far in the pitfall. I've been mentally bullied since I was 7 years old, which makes me struggling with all the emotion imbalance for 20 years now. And how do you expect from someone who raising up with the believe that she is not good enough, she is worst, she is incapable, and having mentally tortured for ages can be so capable to be 'NORMAL' as what you define it is. I don't have to explain how I live my life as I've no intention to know yours. In life, the most important part is respect. Respect how others choose to live. Could you imagine you are send to place that far from those you know, In the place that new and strange to you, alone and you have to struggle aga...

When you get older you became more particular and precise about your self, your act, your do & dont's, your preference and almost about everything around you. It's about how you arrange your food in the plate. what you choose to eat first. how you eat your chicken drumstick and wings. How your coffee should taste. What kind of shirt that you will match with your jeans, what kind of scarf to buy. What kind of movie you will watch, what kind of books that makes you fly to the high. How many pillow you need to sleep, how thick your comforter should be. Where do you put your things. How mess is the real misery. How much money to waste is a wastage. You should give yourself a time to know you better. To put things how you like it be. So that when you with other you won't dissolve. How precious yourself, are not to be neglected and take for granted. Don't let stranger think they knew you better. You is yours.